Supreme Court immunity ruling makes presidents more like kings. So, all hail King Biden?

In a moment sure to thrill closet monarchists, the U.S. Supreme Court kicked off the Fourth of July week by announcing America’s independence from its previous independence from a king.

Broadening the ways in which a president is either immune from criminal prosecution or given “presumptive immunity,” the court sided in large part with former president and convicted felon Donald Trump, which is a real hoot since Trump is responsible for three of the justices having their current jobs.

As Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in her dissent: “The relationship between the President and the people he serves has shifted irrevocably. In every use of official power, the President is now a king above the law.”

Sweet!

If the immunity ruling is good for Trump, it's great for King Biden!

While many described Monday’s ruling as a real coup (LOL!) for Trump, all but guaranteeing his trial on trying to subvert the last election won’t happen before this year’s election, if it happens at all, the biggest winner was Joe Biden, who I assume is now America’s king.

All hail King Biden, right?

I mean, if the high court says a president is immune from criminal prosecution for “official acts,” what’s to stop a president from official-acting whatever sounds good?

Should Biden drop out?Calls to replace Biden vs. silence on Trump? America has lost its political mind.

As Sotomayor put it: “When he uses his official powers in any way, under the majority’s reasoning, he now will be insulated from criminal prosecution. Orders the Navy's Seal Team 6 to assassinate a political rival? Immune. Organizes a military coup to hold onto power? Immune. Takes a bribe in exchange for a pardon? Immune. Immune, immune, immune.”

After Supreme Court immunity ruling, Biden must embrace the monarchy

Quentin Fulks, Biden’s deputy campaign manager, said of the ruling: “They just handed Donald Trump the keys to a dictatorship.”

That, in turn, means the Supreme Court just handed Biden the same set of keys. So I say it’s time to take this new monarchy out for a spin!

Joey Chestnut has been robbed.There's no such thing as a plant-based hot dog.

King Biden should declare a pox on all your fast food

For his first official act, King Biden should go directly at Trump’s biggest weakness and, via official presidential act, order the immediate shuttering of all McDonald’s restaurants. It’s always good to first cut off your enemy’s food supply.

Next, the king should order the Marines to storm the beaches of Mar-a-Lago, an official act aimed at protecting America from hideous fashion choices and the overuse of gold-plating. While there, they can rescue Melania Trump, who is clearly a political prisoner.

The third official act, just for kicks, should be to appoint Prince Hunter Biden to head up the Federal Communications Commission and launch an investigation into whether Fox News is a threat to the crown. That would keep the right-wing punditry class busy for the next decade or so.

Clearly the Supreme Court is a threat to democracy. King Biden must act.

Finally, the good and just King Biden should point out that by giving presidents such expansive immunity protections, the Supreme Court has opened the door to widespread presidential criminality.

Say, for example, there was a presidential candidate who had already been convicted of 34 felonies and been indicted in a number of other criminal cases, including one involving the mishandling of high-level classified documents. That apparent crime enthusiast might see the office of the presidency as a fantastic way to do a whole bunch of additional crime-ing, sans consequences.

Now I’m sure the conservative justices who were put on the court by that apparent crime enthusiast wouldn’t want a president to take advantage of their partially pro-king ruling. That, it seems, would be a threat to the country. Ipso facto, the Supreme Court’s immunity ruling in Trump’s favor is a threat to the country.

So, it is well within King Biden’s official role as ruler to overrule the Supreme Court’s decision for the sake of the nation and its future, and to restock the court with justices who have America’s best interests at heart.

Biden could be a monarch – just for a few days

That official act would return Biden to his previous role as president while making sure Trump is fairly prosecuted for all his alleged crimes.

C’mon, King Joe. Embrace the monarchy you’ve been given.

At least for a few days while you get things straightened out.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk